need another drink. this is the easiest way
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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