and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
