I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
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My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
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He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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