I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
