so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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