I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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