Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
