My sheets look like a crime scene.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
