I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
