I just pynch a tree in the face
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
