life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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