the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
