someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
