And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
