I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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