I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Randomize
