I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
