Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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