where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
