I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Randomize
