By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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