he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
