Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
