So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
