I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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