I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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