I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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