what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
My balls are so social today.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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