Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
