i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
