Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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