Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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