member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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