So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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