oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
