I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
