I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
