i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
