I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
