now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
