she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
