listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
