i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
