Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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