just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
