Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
