I heard we made out
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
