Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
