i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
