don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I just want to make out with him forever
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
