Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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