it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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