yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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