does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
