I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Randomize
