My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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