Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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