So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
