I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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