best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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