Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
